Law of Attraction

My good friend Maria introduced the study of the Law of Attraction to me this summer. In the wake of recent events that have happened in my personal life since returning back to Toronto, I have been drawn to a few ways about how to maintain a life of happiness, and positive thinking. At last, today, feeling hungover, uneasy, and rather remorseful (to be perfectly honest) I decided that if there was ever a time I needed a burst of inspiration at my fingertips, it was now. And so, the yearn for understanding the Law began.

Being both hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware makes for a conflicting combo. I know exactly what the hell is going on to a point that I know things I'm feeling are ridiculous, yet I have to feel them anyways. It's almost like I'm too conscious for my own good. However, being the emotionally exploding person that I am (it's touching on the best of days and downright neurotic on the worst), has led to wonder if this is who I am right now or who I am bound to be indefinitely.

Acclaimed author Louise Hay is considered the mother of positive thinking. She states that "The law of attraction is that our thinking creates and brings to us whatever we think about. It's as though every time we think a thought, every time we speak a word, the universe is listening and responding to us." In simpler words, the law of attraction is a way of life. The way you think and the way you react to situations. If you're a positive person, you get positive results. If you're a negative person, you get negative results. 

Recently I have just cut out someone I have been so hopelessly in love with (or so I think it was love.) After a few good months, many not-so-perfect months, time in between where we should have been by ourselves, and a perfect weekend in New York, I have finally realized it was time to move on. He realized this a lot sooner than I did, but he did manage to stick around, although it was not fair -- to either of us. At 23 I know I'm young but I can't help that this all feels so...final. I may feel ever so mature at times, but mature -- the very word gets thrown around carelessly in our twenties; most of the time as a way to try and differentiate oneself when drama arises. I'm guilty of being the girl who cried maturity on several occasions but this time I don't want it to be total bullshit.

The thing I've taken out of the Law of Attraction is that we are responsible for our own happiness. We should not be dependent on another person to feel good. When a person is holding onto a particular something, they are operating out of fear. They are afraid to let go. When people break up, sometimes we mistakenly believe that love has left too. As a result, we become sad, fearful, needy, and insecure. Feeling that we need a person attracts the subconscious lack of love, fear, and unhappiness, instead of what we are actually looking for. If we train ourselves to look for positive aspects, we will find them in ourselves and in others. If we are trained to look for negative aspects, we will find them in ourselves as well as in others.

Ultimately, the goal of the Law of Attraction is to focus on improving yourself. Work on yourself. And love yourself. No need to be too narcissistic, but being at peace with who you are will bring wonderful things your way. You are as happy as you want to be. Nobody can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. We're not robots, of course, and memories are still memories. Hopefully with enough time apart to get over any residual enabling emotions, we can reach the shared goal of actually wanting to be friends. I rather be friends with shared memories than strangers with a shared past. Caring about somebody, for me at least, isn't an item that comes with an expiry date. Mistakes are only mistakes when we allow them to be, and now is when we should be making them. Live and learn is the simplest, yet truest saying there is and we twenty-somethings should be living those words to the fullest. 

Good things come to those who seek them out...so get seeking. So yes, it's definitely important to feel through emotions, or at least to me it is. But I've realized, especially as of lately, that you can't just let them overtake everything. Granted, I still have a couple good cries left in me about what's happened, but I want to be happier today than I was yesterday, and the day before, and so on. The one thing all relationships have in common is that we learn about ourselves, our needs, our deal-breakers, within them. While I am nowhere near recovered yet, I know that one day I'll look back on this situation now, turn to my new boyfriend Joseph Gordon-Levitt and say "Well I'm glad I did that!"

Make it work

I've been working on this post for quite a while now, trying to put into words exactly what my mind has been thinking (the truth is, I've been having too much fun.) Being in New York City has got me noticing two specific types of people. Bold vs. Timid. Bold people tend to make more mistakes but recover and eventually find what is right for them. Timid people protect themselves from making mistakes but spend their lives wondering "what could have been".

I've always thought of myself as a bold person. However, living in New York put that mentality into question. I tend to live fast. I stagger on emotional messes, slow down just enough to get it all together and live through the lessons. What better place to do that than the concrete jungle itself? This city will put you in your place, break and beat you down, all the whilst making your dreams come true. Whether you're struggling with rent, missing out on opportunities, hanging out with the wrong crowd, falling in love with the wrong person, experiencing things only this city can offer...somehow you find your place in this anonymity by making it work with what you have.

I always wondered how that phrase applied to our lives, especially in our youth. I know I've focused a lot on relationships in my posts, but how much work should we dedicate to making something that isn't working, work (relationships and life in general)? The world is at our fingertips in our twenties. New York definitely reminds me of that. Usually it just seems easier to let go and move on than to stick around and try and make it work. After all, why should we put so much effort into fixing something that is seemingly broken or just not working.

For all the headache and heartbreak we put ourselves through during the years of discovery (partying, traveling, and general recklessness), once in a blue moon you find something or someone that just might end up being worth the effort. Pulling the love card here, I once heard that there were no maybe feelings when it comes to love; that when you know, you know. Sure, when you're in love you know it, but defining love is something else entirely. So how do you know you're in something you can't define? It's difficult. I've been in several sugarcoated moments thus far in my life where the definition of love and passion has modified itself significantly. Is loving someone letting them go live their life to the fullest and knowing somehow you will be end up back together? Or is it being together no matter how difficult? This not only applies to love and relationships but your dreams and goals as well. To what extent do you stick it out? I can't say for certain, but I know for me, at this very moment is to make it work. Thank you New York City.

Happy long weekend folks!
x

On the hook

I've been noticing that I have been falling back into the same habitual patterns lately (listening to Crave you isn't helping either, but I'm savouring this song before it goes mainstream.) These feelings in particular remind me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother where the gang talks about being on "the hook" as far as unsuccessful relationships go. The hook being when someone you're interested in gives you false hope as to some sort of happy ending together, when really they're just using you to make themselves feel better. Ego boosts, emotional support, someone to kill time with...that kind of deal.

I think we've all either been on, or have had someone on our hook. We are selfish creatures by nature, and if it feels good we're usually going to do it. Relationships are the one realm where selfishness comes to surface since you're being mirrored by another person. Yes, employing the hook technique is cruel, but perhaps what keeps people getting hooked continuously is that hope of one day.

Perhaps as you get older, making relationships work is a little easier of a choice. You've been with someone for a certain amount of time, you've experienced what you wanted to in life, and you're sure of what you're looking for in a person. But what about when you're in your twenties, at the top of your game, with the world at your fingertips? Not as easy. For the majority of us out there, I can say we are selfish little creatures looking out for number one...(insert hook technique.) The usual train of thought that goes through our heads when it comes to evaluating a relationship is something of "Will they hold me back?" "Will I find someone better?" "Is this love???" Oh, the amount of uncertainty that clouds our brains is literally mind-boggling. This is probably why the number of dysfunctional, off and on, kinda-sorta-maybe relationships in this decade is so high. To commit to another person when you can barely commit to yourself seems almost impossible. A harsh realization for many (sometimes I can't even fathom it), but when you read in between the lines of false hope, you realize you're not worth it to the other person. If someones says they can't be with you right now but perhaps later in life things will somehow work out, it's because they're not willing to accommodate you now.

We live in the here are now. If it isn't working now, is it really going to work in the future? Even if you think it will, you can't waste your time torturing yourself about all the what-if situations that could arise. It's all easier said than done, but as hard as it is, you need to leave it alone and try your best to forget it and get back out there. At this very moment I'm reminding myself, I'm in New York City. The possibilities in this world of dating and relationships is endless. And chances are there is someone who thinks you're worth it not one day, but right now. It takes a bit of eye-opening and welcoming to all the opportunities to understand that it's not the value others place on us that counts, it's the value we place on ourselves.

A little inner thought.

Some things just take getting used to. It's been a bittersweet three weeks in New York City. I've been meaning to post sooner, but I've been a bit lost in transition with this move. I can't think of a better place to regain my perspective. However being alone in such a city puts you in your place in every way, and also halts or allows one to find an identity within its giant anonymity. Anyone who has been to NYC knows the impact it can have, but living here and spending solo time with nothing but the city and your thoughts is bound to lead to some realizations, even to yours truly, as if I already don't think enough, right?

Add rainy weather and grey skies the city has been experiencing, and you've got yourself the perfect scene for the emo kind of days I have been having. Although I can't blame my thoughts on the frumpy Manhattan weather -- it has been beautiful and sunny (and disgustingly humid) the past couple days and still my brain was thinking faster than it normally does. Just what is all my perspective being gained in, you ask? I'm figuring that out. Though, it's something along the lines of "finding myself" (Always a good one and exceedingly relevant no matter how utterly cliched).

As we grow older, our mindset changes from not just seeking out a good time, but a good opportunity as well. The busiest parties, events, shindigs and what-have-you in New York are the ones where attendees know the mingling crowd will be one of a professional standard. I'm talking about the people in this city who are creating opportunities by pursuing their dreams, and thus creating opportunities for others as well. It's not about where but who that makes a quality affair now. And finding the right like-minded, genuine "who" is hard to come by.

And so, with all my trials and tribulations when it comes to finding myself, I'm situated on my rooftop here in the Lower East Side where I'm living and will attempt to see everything I've been through with fresh eyes. I must remind myself that I wanted this. And now I have this amazing opportunity in one of the greatest cities, ever. As long as I move forward and find what I'm looking for, I'll be satisfied. After all we are nothing if not for progress.

Thank Goodness for Mothers

It's a beautiful Sunday morning here in New York and I just wanted to take a moment to write a quick note and wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day!

My mum uprooted her life in Malaysia about 25 years ago, made the trek across the pond to the UK with little to nothing except my Dad by her side, and then crossed the Atlantic 2 years later to set out to create a better life for me, my sister, and the rest of her family than she ever had growing up.

Since them my mother has been the lovely combo of funny, cute old parent to giggle at, and my arch-nemesis. As two independent, strong-willed, success driven women, we are by no means the Asian mother-daughter spawn of Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson. However, only recently have I been able to realize my mother is a wonderful supportive shoulder to lean on, and a dispenser of wise words to live by. She lets me make my mistakes but is always there to pick up the pieces. And after that I am always wiser, and more thankful.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mums, mums-to-be, and special people in your lives!

x

The Disconnect

I've been having a bit of a messy few weeks and found myself looking for some ways to self improve. The best way to do this, for me at least, is to recognize the problem, and make a change for the better. If you don't know already, the certainty I have in my feelings play a huge part in my decision making. When I'm feeling something, I'm feeling it, and I find it extremely hard to find the disconnect from my head and my heart.

In my previous post, I touched base on how society today has become so dependent on online interactions that we've learned to expect less from actual human interactions. This makes letting go of the past a bit of a question mark for me. I'm strong willed (sometimes mistaken for stubborn), highly observant, and have an intense memory for detail. Hurt me and chances are, I won't forgive it, but am completely open to forgetting it and giving second (or hundredth) chances. 

As we put so much effort into our edited, manicured online versions of ourselves, we forget that there's more to life than documenting it. Sometimes I think we turn to these outlets because we fear loneliness. Sharing a status update or posting uber-cool photos allows us to be heard. It's a creepy perfected online world we've become used to expecting of each other. Pictures are perfect (thank you photoshop and instagram), wording is well-thought out and if you don't like what you've shared, delete it.

The thing is, real life is messy. There is no undo button. It's demanding. It's unfair. It's complicated. But it's the lessons we find from every moment and learn from that makes it worth living. Perhaps it's the company I have chosen to occupy myself with, but so many of these people are afraid of being emotionally available for the fear that it will ruin the facade of who they want people to think they are. What we attempt to control online, we can't control in real life. Erasing old photos and wiping out your list of contacts will not take away the actual memories that lay in your head or heart (unless you're a robot.) Of course we are all afraid of getting hurt, but unfortunately for them I think, I feel (perhaps a little too much so) and I'm completely tangled in my own little web. But it keeps me real.

Pick up the phone, pick up the phone

As a twenty-something girl living in 2012, I could go on and on about the gripes I have with technology and how we have become so dependent on our constant online interactions that we've learned to expect less from actual human interactions. With all the technology attached to our fingertips 24/7, it seems as though there are a million new ways for us to stay in touch. Bbm, Whatsapp, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, texting...with so many connections to so many people, the definition of what is a real vs. photoshopped relationship gets harder and harder to figure out.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten frustrated over stupid indiscretions with tech stuff. For my fellow crackberry addicts, there's bbm. Ah bbm...being able to read when someone receives and chooses to respond to a message is a gift and a curse. I'm on my Blackberry like a bee on honey (used to be at least...really starting to hate it now.) I'm always prompt to respond to whoever is messaging me, and I can't help but get irritated when people take their sweet ass time responding to simple things. Once you become a master bbm-er, you learn little knick-knacks of how to ignore a message all together, all the whilst reading the entire message without having the other party know (sneaky little assholes...come on now.) On a side note, the only thing worse than an unresponsive read message is when the message doesn't go through at all. Even at that circumstance, people will rather avoid picking up the phone and placing a simple call, instead reiterating the so called valid response of "the message didn't go through so I couldn't get a hold of you." The classic "I didn't check my phone" is also losing its merit. It's 2012, you're probably a proud owner of a Blackberry, iPhone, or Android -- you're checking your phone.

The time spent on perfecting our online personas has now become a definitive interpretation of who you are. We seem to be living in a world where "if it's not online, it's not happening in real life". Sure, a portion of it can be credited towards business and self-promotional purposes, but that doesn't change the fact that living edited online takes away from living in real life. It's amazing, yet pathetic how a picture that suffices on Facebook of the night's festivities or a tweet about how awesome the dinner you are at is makes the online version of yourself more admirable, and feelings of insecurities, envy and rejection arise from viewers who weren't present. This is especially apparent in the dating realm. Yes, guys are generally overly rational and not nearly as emotional as girls tend to be, but if you're proud to be with someone in real life, why wouldn't that translate into your online personality, especially when that's when so many people are exposed to you? Exactly. Spin it however you want, but it comes down to the root of all issues -- commitment, or the lack of really.

I'm clearly going through some communicative frustrations myself, resulting in this lengthy rant. Technology does its part in bringing us together, but it also  stops us from feeling emotions with each other in person, as we share statuses and messages about feelings and (maybe) feel them after. It takes 30 seconds to send a message, and if you don't have 30 seconds for someone...well, that's something we want to know. For all of you reading this who can't understand why we make a fuss over the little things like Facebook, Twitter and bbm, allow me to clear it up for you: it is because we see it as an indicator of bigger things. When you care about someone and they can't seem to do little things for you, it's a sure sign they won't do bigger things for you either. So if you take one thing from my emotional vomit, answer your damn phone.

The Moody Blues

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed? Whether it's because you're tired from a busy work week, feeling lazy, or are probably severely hungover based on the events of the night before. We've all had those days, especially when fluffy pillows and freshly scented sheets mixed with an already comfortable bed are involved. Now how about those days where you just can't get out of bed? It's not because you're physically unable to, but rather because it seems pointless. Your bed is no longer a throne of comfort, but a sluggish rock planted in your room that is pulling you into masses of heavy blankets instead of allowing you to breathe fresh air. Whether it's the sudden drop in temperatures or the grey skies, I've been feeling the latter lately, and even to a small degree, I've been asking myself..."am I depressed?"

This isn't a PSA about the signs and treatments for such a disease, but rather a post about how we are prone to experiencing symptoms of it in our own unique way. I will admit that I've experienced bouts of panic, anxiety, and the blues throughout my years (more so in the recent ones). Yes, I'm a highly functioning social person who is, for the most part, a happy person, but also a highly emotional and complicated being who doesn't always have ration and logic. My hypersensitivity leaves it so that I am often bothered by things that shouldn't bother me, and I am at times left to wonder why everyone else seems so fine with things that I just can't seem to get past. I've had days where I feel so weighed down, cannot stop crying, and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. While such episodes are usually spurred by emotional reactions to relationship issues or the feeling of loss, they were occurring enough for me to question my own sanity.

Let's not take this too lightly. If you're sitting in bed eating ice cream (or drinking wine) and crying to your girlfriends on the phone about another failed relationship (or the same failed relationship), you're not depressed. If you're down on yourself and take the night to recuperate alone because you feel like the rest of the world doesn't understand you, you're not depressed. And if you're worried that your life is going nowhere because other people your age seem to have secured a great job and their own swanky condo while you are still living with your parents, you're not depressed. Like all decades, our twenties have trials and tribulations, but it's only if they affect you deep down where ice cream and a night in can't solve, and you can't function on a day to day level...that's when you should perhaps seek help.

Issues that occur in our head-space are hard to acknowledge and at times even harder to reach out and get help for. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to convince someone of your feelings and being dismissed as "too emotional". What I do know is that the people who tell you to simply "get over it" probably haven't experienced it themselves. I trust my instinct and know when I'm feeling something, I'm feeling it and no amount of partying or other distractions will take my mind off of it. Although partying sure does help sometimes. However, what I've been trying to do is recognize when a blue episode is on its way. When I see a warning sign pop up, I become proactive in reversing them. Whether it be through talking to a friend, working out, or getting out of my own thoughts by keeping busy (school helps), it all helps to hopefully avoid the downfall all together. So my point of this somewhat somber post is that the moody blues have a tendency to hit even the best and brightest of us. Dealing with it, no matter how mild or severe is up to you. Now let's stay cheery on this gloomy Sunday afternoon!

Command and Conquer

This was the year I had been anticipating the most to begin. The rest of the world seemed to have high hopes for 2012 as well. In all seriousness, we need to stop believing in John Cusack movies. I like the man but the world is not ending...yet, and the same $5 bill with a name and number will not circulate the country, to end up in your unbeknownst loved one's hands five years later in an act of fate. The ringing in of a new year means one thing for most: resolutions. Since mine are normally the same and usually broken by the first week or so, I set a motto for what I wanted to accomplish this year. It is to Command and Conquer.

I want to challenge myself by being bolder and fearless when it comes to overcoming obstacles. I want to steer my life into a positive direction. I want to understand my environment(s) and adapt with strength and courage. But most importantly I want to find the balance between the love of others and a healthy love of self.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was redoing my undergrad. As my friends were saying goodbye to the student life, I found myself consumed with more work than I had ever managed when I was acting. In enduring more school, I wasn't even sure where I was going to end up in the industry when I was done. I know what I would be good at but I wasn't sure if that would be self-fulfilling enough. I still don't know where I'm going to end up, but I vouch for experience. As I triumph over these experiences, I am more certain of what I want and what I don't want. This twenty-something decade is where many of us have so many things on the go-go-go: careers need to be established, traveling seems mandatory and we make many decisions that directly affect the rest of our lives. At what point do you stop figuring it out? You don't. You continue to create a forward momentum in what you want to come next. People say things may come to those who wait. But I believe it's the things left by those who hustle. Nothing comes without hard work.

I have been applying to internships in New York City from the start of the year. Looking through posting after posting, sending out resume after resume, and just waiting (not my strong point.) Over time, it becomes a recipe for the tedious. But part of expecting this out of myself was to believe it was going to happen. I had my first interview today for Fitness Magazine to be an intern for the fashion department. An hour later I had been offered the position. In just six short weeks I will be moving to the city where it happens, and I can't be more excited and overwhelmed. I have been craving a boost, recharge, and change in the recent weeks and being alone in the most influential metropolis in the world will hopefully put me in my place, and allow myself to find an identity (well, a more fine-tuned identity) in its vast anonymity.

In trusting myself, believing everything happens for a reason, accepting my flaws, keeping away from those who are negative energy is a wonderful start to my progression in knowing that I am heading in the right direction. After all we are nothing if not for progress.

I'm coming for you. x

The Dreaded Frenemy

While shooting a part of my editorial in Chinatown today, a girl I used to be good friends with (now friends-ish) strolled through my frames and said a friendly hello. Actually -- let me clarify, the conversation went like this: "Hey! What are you doing here? It's been soooo long! What are you up to these days? Backhanded compliment about how awesome it is for being in fashion school. Me? I'm finishing up my degree and applying for my masters. Jealous comments about the editorial I was shooting (she's one of those girls who constantly posts homemade model shots on Facebook with links to her lookbook, tumblr, etc.) Anyways, I'll let you get back to work. It was soooo good seeing you!!!" To make it an even better story, she was with her mother, who also engaged in the backhanded compliments. I had encountered the dreaded frenemy. For those of you not up to speed on the many shades of friends in this ambivalent social world, frenemies can be described as girls (new and old) who you occasionally talk to or hang out with (on a superficial level), but on an instinctive level, you do not trust. They're easier to be nice to than not be nice to. Gay boys can fall under the frenemy category as well.

Frenemies can be harmless and amusing, and sometimes are a conversation within themselves. I have perfected standing there, a smile plastered on my face, and being as sincerely engaged as I can be even though I don't know much about what is really going on with them. However, it's when a frenemy turns toxic that raises red flags. I like to think cutting out toxic friends is like social tailoring; perfectly fit, no loose ends, no rough edges, and certainly no extra pins leftover in your custom made Shkank dress to stab you in the back!

I've had my fair share of frenemies for the most part (especially the girls you run into when out partying "Oh. Em. Gee!!!") And I've also had real friends turn into toxic friends. Real friends are the ones you actually know; inside jokes, shared advice and shoulders to lean on, drunken demeanours without judgment, and empty compliments any day. I am thankful everyday for the real friends who constantly bring in positive energy and help keep my one foot soundly tethered to the ground while the rest of me is floating in the clouds.

Is there a list that is effective and precise enough when it comes to singling out exactly what makes a friend toxic? Not exactly, but this is what I've concocted: 

- critical: makes jokes, especially in front of others, at your expense

- emotional manipulation: will only talk to you when it works in their favour, and will stop talking to you (or not respond to texts, IMs, phone calls) when it doesn't work out

- breaks promises: of course even the most well-intentioned friends have to break promises and plans occasionally, but if it's a pattern...

- trash talker: if they are constantly talking about others, then they are probably talking about you.

If you prefer a simpler method, ask yourself one question: "Does this person make me happy?" If the answer is no, be confident that your life will be much better sans the frenemy (or in my case at the moment, an ex.) Cutting a person out entirely may seem harsh and even impossible (I can vouch for that one), but instant gratification is easy as pie...it's long term gratification that defines maturity.

Basic Instinct

Everything happens for a reason.

I've always believed my own intuitive feelings taught me the value in every experience. Life is full of coulda, woulda, shoulda moments and we tend to theorize about all the what if's of major past decisions, which has got me thinking...does everything really happen within reason? The choices I have made based on my feelings and instincts have proved true for every significant moment of personal growth in my life (I can only imagine the future will be similarly enlightening.)

Trusting myself and my reasoning has given me the courage to continually seek out opportunities and remain open-minded to the ones that present themselves to me. Rational yet idealistic, my gut has sometimes taken me in the other direction, aka being illogical even though I know what I should be doing. I have stayed in relationships (both friendship and love) surpassing the expiration date. Like I mentioned in my first post, we have expectations of people, especially our loved ones. Whether I was hoping these relationships would get better, worse, or change...there was a reason I stayed. 

Learning more and more about myself is a perpetual study. I constantly gain new perspectives, and in time I am more and more sure that I have made the right decisions (this is all in regards to the bigger picture: my life.) The support I get from friends close to me made me realize who was important in my life. It also made me realize who definitely wasn't. Sometimes seeing the best in people doesn't allow you to see the truth (I am ALWAYS seeking the good within whatever relationship I'm in), which is why I now have no regrets of keeping away from those who are negative energy in my opinion, and surrounding myself with positive people as much as possible.

"Everyone you come across - be they heart-liftingly good or sour of spirit, is your teacher in some way. How are you growing from the experience of knowing them? How are they teaching you to become a better person?"

My unbudging mind combined with a surprisingly still-naive heart and an unforgettable memory (I have an amazing memory, seriously.) makes for a tortuous existence at times. In short, this means I have trouble letting go of the past, the wonderful and the treacherous. I know learning to let go of what is no longer relevant is a skill I should acquire for my own happiness, but for now trusting that basic instinct to feel whatever it is I need to feel allows for a graceful recovery, and knowing that there's growth and maturity to be found definitely helps.

Trust in something. Whether it's yourself, friends, family, even as much as destiny....because it's a faith in knowing that everything does happen for a reason.

Progress, Progress, Progress

It's Saturday night and I've chosen to stay in. As fiercely independent as I choose to be, I'm also afraid of being lonely (not in the "I need a boyfriend" way, more so the "lost in translation" way). I'm one to always want to be out and about in the midst of tons of people, partly because whenever I'm alone, my over-active mind can't help itself, and sometimes my thoughts need to be shut off. In hindsight, all this alone time is making for some good blogging for personal reflection and progression.

One of the perks that comes with every twenty-something birthday I pass is that I grow more sure of myself. Confidence at this age can be a wavering thing. Fragile yet assertive, I find at least, it varies as much as my mood does. There are days when I feel like I can achieve it all, and days when I feel like a miserable fool who's only understanding outlet is a pack of cigarettes and boundless cups of coffee. (Two addictive, stimulating habits? Thank goodness for my hedonistic youth.) I don't feel as vulnerable admitting to my insecurities now as I become more intellectually and emotionally in touch with myself.

The person I am today is not the person I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, etc. I am more sure of my thoughts, feelings, who I want to associate with, and what I want to be doing with my life. There's an assertiveness that wasn't present much during my teens, and a comforting knowledge that mini-life crises aren't the end of the world, but in turn are stepping stones to the next level. That forward moving ball of highly emotional yet fiery energy I described myself in my last post is a constant state of transformation...realizing, maturing, that whole bit. As long as there's progress, which there is, I'll be satisfied. Disorganized, perhaps. Unstable, probably. But making progress? Always. Whatever I'm working through in my head and in reality is usually an issue I feel I have to, and will conquer in time.

We all change from year to year and whether it's a forward momentum is entirely up to us. But you'll never regret spending your time and energy on you. That's for certain. Progress indeed.

Goodnight!

Shiny, Happy, People

Every so often when I'm out and about, I meet these girls who are very pretty. Objectively, they are flawless; toned and fit, cheery and happy, have shiny hair and teeth, and talk about superficial things. Their outfits seem to manifest some kind of chic style and they're always very nice. For some reason, I can just never relate to these girls, as nice and pretty as they are. Perhaps they are a tad too "stable" for me and I get a little bored, or perhaps I wish I was as put together as they were.

Truth be told, that while I have things together for the most part, I'm a forward moving ball of highly emotional, yet fiery energy, who functions in a delusion that only I can really understand. Ask any of my closest friends and they can vouch for my overall quirkiness. Perhaps this is why I have always chosen careers that come with ample of downtime, alongside unpredictable amounts of intensely busy periods. Work hard, go fast, burn out, recuperate, and then do it all over again. 

It sounds a bit crazy, but this black and white, up and down, and sometimes almost destructive messiness works for me. As I mentioned in my first post, experience is the best and potentially most brutal teacher for any twenty-something. And goodness knows I wouldn't know half the things I do if it weren't for my total disregard for responsibility, which surfaces from time to time. Partying being the most obvious one here, but really, how are we suppose to know not to drink all night and then try to go to work on no sleep unless you do it once...twice.....ten times? Or that we weren't actually physically able to take down ten shots of tequila, garnished with some vodka red bull. Or being naive enough to believe the guy who says "I'll call you tomorrow", hoping it turns into puppy love. You live and you learn. 

I will never be one to fray away from jumping, catching, and chasing opportunities. Being unpredictable is a lovely quality I find in myself (I see heads shaking). I have never been one to give it all away at once, nor am I attracted to people who do so. Make me feel ANYTHING and I'll most likely like you. I'm intrigued and confused by people who make me feel emotion, as I'm never one to shy away from them either. I'm a big believer in feeling things out no matter how painful the process. I've noticed that many would rather push them aside and bury themselves in work or whatnot, just to not have to suffer internally. These people might be destined for some sort of catastrophic meltdown. How are we suppose to know who we are if we don't let ourselves feel what we should be? Of course, the shiny, happy, people may tell me otherwise, but sometimes you just need to cry it out. Shit happens. Freak out. And then carry on.

Even with my tolerance for the unstable mixed with my tolerance for emotions, I'm still naively optimist, blatantly confident, and have a blind faith in a perfect something that's bound to happen. Surely, those pretty girls are all very nice and shiny, but I choose mysterious, impetuous, while still being exquisite over that any day. In truth, no one else may get it, but until then, it's full speed on my quirky little wavelength!

NYC Loving

The one thing I've never been very good at is waiting. So as I wait to board my flight, I'm taking a moment to talk about my favourite city.

When I was 14, I was bitten by the Big Apple fever. Having friends and family in the city allowed for frequent visits. At that time my memories of the city were romanticized childhood ones; Broadway lights at Times Square, the beautifully lit Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center, climbing up the Statue of Liberty, shopping at Victoria's Secret and any other US store that wasn't found in Canada (at the time). However, now as an adult...New York City is even more freaking amazing.

The big city is so much better when you're at an age to be a part of everything. The constant buzzing of things happening in the air feeds directly to my energy source and I feel like being out all the time. Born and raised in Toronto, I always felt like I needed a bigger city to put my dreams into perspective. I've come here alone, with family, and with friends and each time is a new adventure for me. This trip I'm flying solo, but being alone in such an influential metropolis puts you in your place in every way, even to the over-analytic, hyper-sensitive thinkers like yours truly.

What is it that sucks so many of us into New York City and makes us never want to leave? For one there's the undeniable cool factor that, while other cities try *ahem...Toronto*, they can't seem to come close to. Come on Toronto, it's about time you create your own sustainable identity and stop copying cities like NYC, Hong Kong, Paris. I also used to get a kick out of how much the city gets featured in television and film. Serendipity 3? That's where John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale ate ice cream (I'm not a fan on rom-coms whatsoever but this one has a soft spot for me, probably because I was 12 when I first saw it). There's also the constant activity that such a large city can handle on an everyday level. The only other cities I can compare to that capacity is Hong Kong or Tokyo. 

The fondness for the Big Apple is nothing new. In fact, all you hear is how people want to "make it in New York". At the end of the day, this is the city where it happens, whether you are looking for your dream job, fame, love, amazing food....the opportunities are endless. In the very least, it's where we go in hopes of finding these opportunities and end up creating new experiences on the many paths there. You never know who you might bump into in a city of 7 million + (I know I've met countless characters on the streets of NYC but that's an entire new post if I want to talk about them). Sure, Toronto is my hometown and it's where my family and most of my friends reside, but I'm young, relatively carefree, and a dreamer...I belong in NYC.

Great Expectations

"If you expect nothing from anybody, you're never disappointed."

If I was able to actually follow this mantra, I would not be attempting my first blog post right now. As a twenty-something, confusion is nothing out of the ordinary. You choose a career path, you change your career path, you feel like you have no career path. You lose some old friends, you gain new ones. You get your heart broken, but you also break some hearts. Nothing in this decade of our lives is more important than experience. Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. I am a twenty-something former singer/actor turned fashion junkie, now redoing her entire undergrad in Fashion Communications. Oh and I like to party. Need I say more?

Part of expecting things out of myself is believing. I for one, am a believer and dreamer. I tend to live by delusions of grandeur (hence the title of my blog). However, the difficult part of delusions is that they tend to live in your head more so than in reality. To my credit, several of my "delusions" have come true in my life...landing my first internship with a name as big as Michael Kors, somehow saving up enough money to support my perpetual desire for couture, studying in a program I thoroughly enjoy (at most hours) that I will be good at, being able to hop on a plane to NYC every 2-3 months whether it's to party, eat, or simply runaway, travelling to Europe, Asia, and Australia/New Zealand on several occasions. With such luck in having these goals achieved thus far, I can only continue to dream.

I don't only believe in my nonsensical (at times) self. I believe in the people around me too. That's where my other expectations come into play. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have expectations of my friends and family. Respect, honesty, integrity, character...those are a given. But sometimes I vouch for more because I am a believer. I can see past what meets the eye and how much another person can accomplish, whether or not they can see it for themselves. When it comes down to it, I would do anything for the ones I love.

My expectations attribute to the fact that I can withstand an unusually high amount of emotional stress. The problem with highly emotional girls is that we justify things in our heads that seem ridiculously irrational to the outside world. I've caused arguments over things that should be dead and gone simply because I am still bothered by it. It's not like it's exactly fun being someone who feels the need to squash every annoyance...I'm working on it. After all, "You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you." It's still a journey, but I'm learning to be okay with it.

This was a whole lot of writing for me. I don't consider myself to be a great writer. Sometimes I just can't put down my thoughts onto paper. Speech is a whole other category for me though. I don't mind confrontation. I'm a go-getter. I live fast, stagger on emotional messes, slow down just enough to get it all together and not learn the lessons until I've lived through them. If this post is suppose to be me in a nutshell, let's just say...I'm not crazy. What happens when you don't live up to your great expectations? I'm not sure yet. But I plan on sharing more of my twenty-something stories of wandering epiphanies, both big and small. :)

yours truly,

Melissa.