The Dreaded Frenemy

While shooting a part of my editorial in Chinatown today, a girl I used to be good friends with (now friends-ish) strolled through my frames and said a friendly hello. Actually -- let me clarify, the conversation went like this: "Hey! What are you doing here? It's been soooo long! What are you up to these days? Backhanded compliment about how awesome it is for being in fashion school. Me? I'm finishing up my degree and applying for my masters. Jealous comments about the editorial I was shooting (she's one of those girls who constantly posts homemade model shots on Facebook with links to her lookbook, tumblr, etc.) Anyways, I'll let you get back to work. It was soooo good seeing you!!!" To make it an even better story, she was with her mother, who also engaged in the backhanded compliments. I had encountered the dreaded frenemy. For those of you not up to speed on the many shades of friends in this ambivalent social world, frenemies can be described as girls (new and old) who you occasionally talk to or hang out with (on a superficial level), but on an instinctive level, you do not trust. They're easier to be nice to than not be nice to. Gay boys can fall under the frenemy category as well.

Frenemies can be harmless and amusing, and sometimes are a conversation within themselves. I have perfected standing there, a smile plastered on my face, and being as sincerely engaged as I can be even though I don't know much about what is really going on with them. However, it's when a frenemy turns toxic that raises red flags. I like to think cutting out toxic friends is like social tailoring; perfectly fit, no loose ends, no rough edges, and certainly no extra pins leftover in your custom made Shkank dress to stab you in the back!

I've had my fair share of frenemies for the most part (especially the girls you run into when out partying "Oh. Em. Gee!!!") And I've also had real friends turn into toxic friends. Real friends are the ones you actually know; inside jokes, shared advice and shoulders to lean on, drunken demeanours without judgment, and empty compliments any day. I am thankful everyday for the real friends who constantly bring in positive energy and help keep my one foot soundly tethered to the ground while the rest of me is floating in the clouds.

Is there a list that is effective and precise enough when it comes to singling out exactly what makes a friend toxic? Not exactly, but this is what I've concocted: 

- critical: makes jokes, especially in front of others, at your expense

- emotional manipulation: will only talk to you when it works in their favour, and will stop talking to you (or not respond to texts, IMs, phone calls) when it doesn't work out

- breaks promises: of course even the most well-intentioned friends have to break promises and plans occasionally, but if it's a pattern...

- trash talker: if they are constantly talking about others, then they are probably talking about you.

If you prefer a simpler method, ask yourself one question: "Does this person make me happy?" If the answer is no, be confident that your life will be much better sans the frenemy (or in my case at the moment, an ex.) Cutting a person out entirely may seem harsh and even impossible (I can vouch for that one), but instant gratification is easy as pie...it's long term gratification that defines maturity.