Command and Conquer

This was the year I had been anticipating the most to begin. The rest of the world seemed to have high hopes for 2012 as well. In all seriousness, we need to stop believing in John Cusack movies. I like the man but the world is not ending...yet, and the same $5 bill with a name and number will not circulate the country, to end up in your unbeknownst loved one's hands five years later in an act of fate. The ringing in of a new year means one thing for most: resolutions. Since mine are normally the same and usually broken by the first week or so, I set a motto for what I wanted to accomplish this year. It is to Command and Conquer.

I want to challenge myself by being bolder and fearless when it comes to overcoming obstacles. I want to steer my life into a positive direction. I want to understand my environment(s) and adapt with strength and courage. But most importantly I want to find the balance between the love of others and a healthy love of self.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was redoing my undergrad. As my friends were saying goodbye to the student life, I found myself consumed with more work than I had ever managed when I was acting. In enduring more school, I wasn't even sure where I was going to end up in the industry when I was done. I know what I would be good at but I wasn't sure if that would be self-fulfilling enough. I still don't know where I'm going to end up, but I vouch for experience. As I triumph over these experiences, I am more certain of what I want and what I don't want. This twenty-something decade is where many of us have so many things on the go-go-go: careers need to be established, traveling seems mandatory and we make many decisions that directly affect the rest of our lives. At what point do you stop figuring it out? You don't. You continue to create a forward momentum in what you want to come next. People say things may come to those who wait. But I believe it's the things left by those who hustle. Nothing comes without hard work.

I have been applying to internships in New York City from the start of the year. Looking through posting after posting, sending out resume after resume, and just waiting (not my strong point.) Over time, it becomes a recipe for the tedious. But part of expecting this out of myself was to believe it was going to happen. I had my first interview today for Fitness Magazine to be an intern for the fashion department. An hour later I had been offered the position. In just six short weeks I will be moving to the city where it happens, and I can't be more excited and overwhelmed. I have been craving a boost, recharge, and change in the recent weeks and being alone in the most influential metropolis in the world will hopefully put me in my place, and allow myself to find an identity (well, a more fine-tuned identity) in its vast anonymity.

In trusting myself, believing everything happens for a reason, accepting my flaws, keeping away from those who are negative energy is a wonderful start to my progression in knowing that I am heading in the right direction. After all we are nothing if not for progress.

I'm coming for you. x

The Dreaded Frenemy

While shooting a part of my editorial in Chinatown today, a girl I used to be good friends with (now friends-ish) strolled through my frames and said a friendly hello. Actually -- let me clarify, the conversation went like this: "Hey! What are you doing here? It's been soooo long! What are you up to these days? Backhanded compliment about how awesome it is for being in fashion school. Me? I'm finishing up my degree and applying for my masters. Jealous comments about the editorial I was shooting (she's one of those girls who constantly posts homemade model shots on Facebook with links to her lookbook, tumblr, etc.) Anyways, I'll let you get back to work. It was soooo good seeing you!!!" To make it an even better story, she was with her mother, who also engaged in the backhanded compliments. I had encountered the dreaded frenemy. For those of you not up to speed on the many shades of friends in this ambivalent social world, frenemies can be described as girls (new and old) who you occasionally talk to or hang out with (on a superficial level), but on an instinctive level, you do not trust. They're easier to be nice to than not be nice to. Gay boys can fall under the frenemy category as well.

Frenemies can be harmless and amusing, and sometimes are a conversation within themselves. I have perfected standing there, a smile plastered on my face, and being as sincerely engaged as I can be even though I don't know much about what is really going on with them. However, it's when a frenemy turns toxic that raises red flags. I like to think cutting out toxic friends is like social tailoring; perfectly fit, no loose ends, no rough edges, and certainly no extra pins leftover in your custom made Shkank dress to stab you in the back!

I've had my fair share of frenemies for the most part (especially the girls you run into when out partying "Oh. Em. Gee!!!") And I've also had real friends turn into toxic friends. Real friends are the ones you actually know; inside jokes, shared advice and shoulders to lean on, drunken demeanours without judgment, and empty compliments any day. I am thankful everyday for the real friends who constantly bring in positive energy and help keep my one foot soundly tethered to the ground while the rest of me is floating in the clouds.

Is there a list that is effective and precise enough when it comes to singling out exactly what makes a friend toxic? Not exactly, but this is what I've concocted: 

- critical: makes jokes, especially in front of others, at your expense

- emotional manipulation: will only talk to you when it works in their favour, and will stop talking to you (or not respond to texts, IMs, phone calls) when it doesn't work out

- breaks promises: of course even the most well-intentioned friends have to break promises and plans occasionally, but if it's a pattern...

- trash talker: if they are constantly talking about others, then they are probably talking about you.

If you prefer a simpler method, ask yourself one question: "Does this person make me happy?" If the answer is no, be confident that your life will be much better sans the frenemy (or in my case at the moment, an ex.) Cutting a person out entirely may seem harsh and even impossible (I can vouch for that one), but instant gratification is easy as pie...it's long term gratification that defines maturity.

Basic Instinct

Everything happens for a reason.

I've always believed my own intuitive feelings taught me the value in every experience. Life is full of coulda, woulda, shoulda moments and we tend to theorize about all the what if's of major past decisions, which has got me thinking...does everything really happen within reason? The choices I have made based on my feelings and instincts have proved true for every significant moment of personal growth in my life (I can only imagine the future will be similarly enlightening.)

Trusting myself and my reasoning has given me the courage to continually seek out opportunities and remain open-minded to the ones that present themselves to me. Rational yet idealistic, my gut has sometimes taken me in the other direction, aka being illogical even though I know what I should be doing. I have stayed in relationships (both friendship and love) surpassing the expiration date. Like I mentioned in my first post, we have expectations of people, especially our loved ones. Whether I was hoping these relationships would get better, worse, or change...there was a reason I stayed. 

Learning more and more about myself is a perpetual study. I constantly gain new perspectives, and in time I am more and more sure that I have made the right decisions (this is all in regards to the bigger picture: my life.) The support I get from friends close to me made me realize who was important in my life. It also made me realize who definitely wasn't. Sometimes seeing the best in people doesn't allow you to see the truth (I am ALWAYS seeking the good within whatever relationship I'm in), which is why I now have no regrets of keeping away from those who are negative energy in my opinion, and surrounding myself with positive people as much as possible.

"Everyone you come across - be they heart-liftingly good or sour of spirit, is your teacher in some way. How are you growing from the experience of knowing them? How are they teaching you to become a better person?"

My unbudging mind combined with a surprisingly still-naive heart and an unforgettable memory (I have an amazing memory, seriously.) makes for a tortuous existence at times. In short, this means I have trouble letting go of the past, the wonderful and the treacherous. I know learning to let go of what is no longer relevant is a skill I should acquire for my own happiness, but for now trusting that basic instinct to feel whatever it is I need to feel allows for a graceful recovery, and knowing that there's growth and maturity to be found definitely helps.

Trust in something. Whether it's yourself, friends, family, even as much as destiny....because it's a faith in knowing that everything does happen for a reason.

Progress, Progress, Progress

It's Saturday night and I've chosen to stay in. As fiercely independent as I choose to be, I'm also afraid of being lonely (not in the "I need a boyfriend" way, more so the "lost in translation" way). I'm one to always want to be out and about in the midst of tons of people, partly because whenever I'm alone, my over-active mind can't help itself, and sometimes my thoughts need to be shut off. In hindsight, all this alone time is making for some good blogging for personal reflection and progression.

One of the perks that comes with every twenty-something birthday I pass is that I grow more sure of myself. Confidence at this age can be a wavering thing. Fragile yet assertive, I find at least, it varies as much as my mood does. There are days when I feel like I can achieve it all, and days when I feel like a miserable fool who's only understanding outlet is a pack of cigarettes and boundless cups of coffee. (Two addictive, stimulating habits? Thank goodness for my hedonistic youth.) I don't feel as vulnerable admitting to my insecurities now as I become more intellectually and emotionally in touch with myself.

The person I am today is not the person I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, etc. I am more sure of my thoughts, feelings, who I want to associate with, and what I want to be doing with my life. There's an assertiveness that wasn't present much during my teens, and a comforting knowledge that mini-life crises aren't the end of the world, but in turn are stepping stones to the next level. That forward moving ball of highly emotional yet fiery energy I described myself in my last post is a constant state of transformation...realizing, maturing, that whole bit. As long as there's progress, which there is, I'll be satisfied. Disorganized, perhaps. Unstable, probably. But making progress? Always. Whatever I'm working through in my head and in reality is usually an issue I feel I have to, and will conquer in time.

We all change from year to year and whether it's a forward momentum is entirely up to us. But you'll never regret spending your time and energy on you. That's for certain. Progress indeed.

Goodnight!

Shiny, Happy, People

Every so often when I'm out and about, I meet these girls who are very pretty. Objectively, they are flawless; toned and fit, cheery and happy, have shiny hair and teeth, and talk about superficial things. Their outfits seem to manifest some kind of chic style and they're always very nice. For some reason, I can just never relate to these girls, as nice and pretty as they are. Perhaps they are a tad too "stable" for me and I get a little bored, or perhaps I wish I was as put together as they were.

Truth be told, that while I have things together for the most part, I'm a forward moving ball of highly emotional, yet fiery energy, who functions in a delusion that only I can really understand. Ask any of my closest friends and they can vouch for my overall quirkiness. Perhaps this is why I have always chosen careers that come with ample of downtime, alongside unpredictable amounts of intensely busy periods. Work hard, go fast, burn out, recuperate, and then do it all over again. 

It sounds a bit crazy, but this black and white, up and down, and sometimes almost destructive messiness works for me. As I mentioned in my first post, experience is the best and potentially most brutal teacher for any twenty-something. And goodness knows I wouldn't know half the things I do if it weren't for my total disregard for responsibility, which surfaces from time to time. Partying being the most obvious one here, but really, how are we suppose to know not to drink all night and then try to go to work on no sleep unless you do it once...twice.....ten times? Or that we weren't actually physically able to take down ten shots of tequila, garnished with some vodka red bull. Or being naive enough to believe the guy who says "I'll call you tomorrow", hoping it turns into puppy love. You live and you learn. 

I will never be one to fray away from jumping, catching, and chasing opportunities. Being unpredictable is a lovely quality I find in myself (I see heads shaking). I have never been one to give it all away at once, nor am I attracted to people who do so. Make me feel ANYTHING and I'll most likely like you. I'm intrigued and confused by people who make me feel emotion, as I'm never one to shy away from them either. I'm a big believer in feeling things out no matter how painful the process. I've noticed that many would rather push them aside and bury themselves in work or whatnot, just to not have to suffer internally. These people might be destined for some sort of catastrophic meltdown. How are we suppose to know who we are if we don't let ourselves feel what we should be? Of course, the shiny, happy, people may tell me otherwise, but sometimes you just need to cry it out. Shit happens. Freak out. And then carry on.

Even with my tolerance for the unstable mixed with my tolerance for emotions, I'm still naively optimist, blatantly confident, and have a blind faith in a perfect something that's bound to happen. Surely, those pretty girls are all very nice and shiny, but I choose mysterious, impetuous, while still being exquisite over that any day. In truth, no one else may get it, but until then, it's full speed on my quirky little wavelength!