Master Of My Universe

There have been many days & nights in the last year where I have been highly charged with emotion. I was in some of the highest moments (take that figuratively...or not) of my life on some days, and on other days, shit hit the proverbial fan, and I was a downright hot mess; dehydrated and exhausted with the overuse of my teardrops and mini meltdowns. So what have I garnered from my most recent escapades? Everything.

My motto last year was Naked Ambition. It was an aspiration to be successful and take pride in my projects, school, and self, with the hope that my ambitious and impetuous nature would help me take bigger risks and achieve bigger rewards. Without going into dirty details, each high I lived through came with an exceedingly low, low (which is essentially what we call life.) I struggled a lot. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot. I had a great PR internship at Haute Hippie back in my favourite city. I met new people, built new relationships, and strengthened the bond with my current ones. A good amount of travel mixed with a suitable amount of crazy experiences too. But I also lost a lot in this last year, myself included. I was so attached to something that did not fit into my life simply because I was afraid of the discomfort of its ending. I was so numb with pain that at times I felt nothing. And for a while, my life did seem easier with the ability to suppress uncomfortable feelings. Unluckily for me, this was all temporary and the feelings monster surfaced when it was time to put the pieces of myself back together. After the difficulties, remorse, and pain is subsequently over, you can take the negative experiences and transition them into positive realizations.

This year my motto comes from this quote and I hope it helps me stay focused and in control: Master Of My Universe. 

"Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." 

I really want to focus on the things that are within my control, especially for my heart and soul. I want more self acceptance, love, and forgiveness. I want to start making better decisions and new mistakes. I want to build good habits that will endorse my best self. I want to feel empowered, but most importantly I want to feel proud of myself.

I can feel that a very promising year is ahead of me. Four years of design school is almost over and I am certain a new window of opportunities is going to open. We have no idea what lies ahead, but we all know that the times you dive head-first outside your comfort zone are simply the best. Just, the freaking best. It really is upon me to reach as far as I possibly can. The year awaits.

Falling For Fake Love

My blog turned one a little over a month ago. I've been so caught up with school, traveling, Mass Exodus, and my own crazy shenanigans that I have neglected it. Happy Anniversary Delusions of Grandeur! And what a year have we had. I started this blog as an over-analytical, high-achieving fiery ball of energy driven by intuition and emotion. Granted I'm still that girl, but a year of tweaking and fine-tuning has done yours truly some good. 

The biggest lesson I learned in the past year was surprisingly in the lesson of love. There is a balance and difference between the love of others and a healthy love of self. Thanks to many (failed) television shows, music, and the biggest culprit: romantic comedies, people have fallen for "fake love"; a level of love that doesn't seem to exist anywhere but in the media and inconveniently in our heads. Kill me now, right?

I spent the weekend trying to be productive, all the while having movies that I find almost too unrealistic to be romantic (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) on in the background. Who actually behaves that way with someone they are actually starting to like? Followed by a goose chase & love declaration on the George Washington Bridge? Stop. It's getting to the point that unless we start marrying real life princes, no man will ever be able to satisfy us in the romance department. That's the problem with wanting fake love, it's only possible in the movies.

I've never been one to look for fireworks and flowers every time I go on a date. But the slight romantic I can find in myself always gets her hopes raised just the teeniest bit whenever there's a possibility for a surprise to happen. So far I've been met with nothing but disappointment. Realistic love or more so love in the everyday world, just don't seem to be as meaningful unless matched with larger than life actions. However, I have come to realize and accept that everyone loves in their own way. Not everyone cares for huge gestures but that shouldn't be read as them being any less loving. But do not mistaken this for backhanded words. Actions have always and will always speak louder than words. Believe with your eyes, not with your ears.

So what has inspired this post? All my ridiculousness I've gotten myself into, all the mistakes and comebacks I've endured, and all the insane shenanigans I've created is what makes me worship material. I have learned to love my opinionated, sharp-witted, potty-mouthed, risk-taking self more than anything recently. And women like this should not be willing to settle for less than we think we deserve. Fake love, go to hell. I'll take real love any day...even if it is with myself. x

Naked Ambition

Despite all the apocalypse talk that had December 21st, 2012 pegged as the day the world would implode, it seems as though we're all still alive and well...and we've even made it to 2013 (and almost another year older for me!) What world ending theories, year ends and birthdays are good for are evaluating our lives. To live a life with no regrets is a popular saying, but like many ideals in life, that is easier said than done. Life is full of unexpected surprises, and during a time of reflection, it's only human to theorize about all the what ifs of past decisions. I believe in everything for a reason. Where I am in this moment, no matter how troubling or gruesome it may be, is where I'm suppose to be. One step brings you to the next and sooner or later you find yourself moving along with the decisions you've made along the way. However, if the world was going to end (and my world with it), there would be a few things I wish I got around to doing. And so, in the spirit of ringing in 2013 and my soon-to-be birthday, I present to you my motto for this year...Naked Ambition!

Command and Conquer was my motto last year. This was specific to taking control and understanding my own life, allowing positivity into it, and being bolder and fearless when it came to overcoming obstacles. I encountered many experiences that consisted of discovering new areas and seeing the previously unseen with a new perspective and fresh eyes. I learned to be less selfish --  I tend to get caught up so much in my own life that I forget to help and listen to others, who I feel deserve more of my attention than they some times get. Having the very special people in your life who let you run free to make your mistakes but are always there to pick up the pieces helps me remember to take time out of my own shenanigans and see how they are doing. It was a year of risk, power, struggle, and strength, but I left it remembering what I'm worth. And it's a lot.

As longtime readers of this blog would know, my heart belongs in New York City. Knowing that is where I want to end up means I have to work like hell for that privilege. That brings me to this year's motto, Naked Ambition. It's an aspiration to be successful, take pride in my projects, school, and career, and to garner my stance in the fashion world, one cynical fashion bitch at a time. Luckily for me, my mysterious, fiery and impetuous (yet exquisite) nature is my driving passion that will help me take bigger risks and achieve the bigger rewards. Passion is the one thing that we search for our whole lives, whether it be romantic passion, a passion for work, or otherwise. In our twenties, the search for it is intense and on-going and once we find it, it's a race to turn it into something we can forever live withor until another passion comes along. 

Translating passion in ways that are feasible (work) and steady (love) have proved to be something of a struggle. Passion in love was what I was seemingly trying to conquer last year. With love temporarily out of the picture, I'm certain that the path I'm on right now is the right one, and that actively pursuing everything that catches my interest is sure to lead to something real good. Naked Ambition. This is probably more than I know. Stay tuned.

x 

Law of Attraction

My good friend Maria introduced the study of the Law of Attraction to me this summer. In the wake of recent events that have happened in my personal life since returning back to Toronto, I have been drawn to a few ways about how to maintain a life of happiness, and positive thinking. At last, today, feeling hungover, uneasy, and rather remorseful (to be perfectly honest) I decided that if there was ever a time I needed a burst of inspiration at my fingertips, it was now. And so, the yearn for understanding the Law began.

Being both hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware makes for a conflicting combo. I know exactly what the hell is going on to a point that I know things I'm feeling are ridiculous, yet I have to feel them anyways. It's almost like I'm too conscious for my own good. However, being the emotionally exploding person that I am (it's touching on the best of days and downright neurotic on the worst), has led to wonder if this is who I am right now or who I am bound to be indefinitely.

Acclaimed author Louise Hay is considered the mother of positive thinking. She states that "The law of attraction is that our thinking creates and brings to us whatever we think about. It's as though every time we think a thought, every time we speak a word, the universe is listening and responding to us." In simpler words, the law of attraction is a way of life. The way you think and the way you react to situations. If you're a positive person, you get positive results. If you're a negative person, you get negative results. 

Recently I have just cut out someone I have been so hopelessly in love with (or so I think it was love.) After a few good months, many not-so-perfect months, time in between where we should have been by ourselves, and a perfect weekend in New York, I have finally realized it was time to move on. He realized this a lot sooner than I did, but he did manage to stick around, although it was not fair -- to either of us. At 23 I know I'm young but I can't help that this all feels so...final. I may feel ever so mature at times, but mature -- the very word gets thrown around carelessly in our twenties; most of the time as a way to try and differentiate oneself when drama arises. I'm guilty of being the girl who cried maturity on several occasions but this time I don't want it to be total bullshit.

The thing I've taken out of the Law of Attraction is that we are responsible for our own happiness. We should not be dependent on another person to feel good. When a person is holding onto a particular something, they are operating out of fear. They are afraid to let go. When people break up, sometimes we mistakenly believe that love has left too. As a result, we become sad, fearful, needy, and insecure. Feeling that we need a person attracts the subconscious lack of love, fear, and unhappiness, instead of what we are actually looking for. If we train ourselves to look for positive aspects, we will find them in ourselves and in others. If we are trained to look for negative aspects, we will find them in ourselves as well as in others.

Ultimately, the goal of the Law of Attraction is to focus on improving yourself. Work on yourself. And love yourself. No need to be too narcissistic, but being at peace with who you are will bring wonderful things your way. You are as happy as you want to be. Nobody can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. We're not robots, of course, and memories are still memories. Hopefully with enough time apart to get over any residual enabling emotions, we can reach the shared goal of actually wanting to be friends. I rather be friends with shared memories than strangers with a shared past. Caring about somebody, for me at least, isn't an item that comes with an expiry date. Mistakes are only mistakes when we allow them to be, and now is when we should be making them. Live and learn is the simplest, yet truest saying there is and we twenty-somethings should be living those words to the fullest. 

Good things come to those who seek them out...so get seeking. So yes, it's definitely important to feel through emotions, or at least to me it is. But I've realized, especially as of lately, that you can't just let them overtake everything. Granted, I still have a couple good cries left in me about what's happened, but I want to be happier today than I was yesterday, and the day before, and so on. The one thing all relationships have in common is that we learn about ourselves, our needs, our deal-breakers, within them. While I am nowhere near recovered yet, I know that one day I'll look back on this situation now, turn to my new boyfriend Joseph Gordon-Levitt and say "Well I'm glad I did that!"

Make it work

I've been working on this post for quite a while now, trying to put into words exactly what my mind has been thinking (the truth is, I've been having too much fun.) Being in New York City has got me noticing two specific types of people. Bold vs. Timid. Bold people tend to make more mistakes but recover and eventually find what is right for them. Timid people protect themselves from making mistakes but spend their lives wondering "what could have been".

I've always thought of myself as a bold person. However, living in New York put that mentality into question. I tend to live fast. I stagger on emotional messes, slow down just enough to get it all together and live through the lessons. What better place to do that than the concrete jungle itself? This city will put you in your place, break and beat you down, all the whilst making your dreams come true. Whether you're struggling with rent, missing out on opportunities, hanging out with the wrong crowd, falling in love with the wrong person, experiencing things only this city can offer...somehow you find your place in this anonymity by making it work with what you have.

I always wondered how that phrase applied to our lives, especially in our youth. I know I've focused a lot on relationships in my posts, but how much work should we dedicate to making something that isn't working, work (relationships and life in general)? The world is at our fingertips in our twenties. New York definitely reminds me of that. Usually it just seems easier to let go and move on than to stick around and try and make it work. After all, why should we put so much effort into fixing something that is seemingly broken or just not working.

For all the headache and heartbreak we put ourselves through during the years of discovery (partying, traveling, and general recklessness), once in a blue moon you find something or someone that just might end up being worth the effort. Pulling the love card here, I once heard that there were no maybe feelings when it comes to love; that when you know, you know. Sure, when you're in love you know it, but defining love is something else entirely. So how do you know you're in something you can't define? It's difficult. I've been in several sugarcoated moments thus far in my life where the definition of love and passion has modified itself significantly. Is loving someone letting them go live their life to the fullest and knowing somehow you will be end up back together? Or is it being together no matter how difficult? This not only applies to love and relationships but your dreams and goals as well. To what extent do you stick it out? I can't say for certain, but I know for me, at this very moment is to make it work. Thank you New York City.

Happy long weekend folks!
x

On the hook

I've been noticing that I have been falling back into the same habitual patterns lately (listening to Crave you isn't helping either, but I'm savouring this song before it goes mainstream.) These feelings in particular remind me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother where the gang talks about being on "the hook" as far as unsuccessful relationships go. The hook being when someone you're interested in gives you false hope as to some sort of happy ending together, when really they're just using you to make themselves feel better. Ego boosts, emotional support, someone to kill time with...that kind of deal.

I think we've all either been on, or have had someone on our hook. We are selfish creatures by nature, and if it feels good we're usually going to do it. Relationships are the one realm where selfishness comes to surface since you're being mirrored by another person. Yes, employing the hook technique is cruel, but perhaps what keeps people getting hooked continuously is that hope of one day.

Perhaps as you get older, making relationships work is a little easier of a choice. You've been with someone for a certain amount of time, you've experienced what you wanted to in life, and you're sure of what you're looking for in a person. But what about when you're in your twenties, at the top of your game, with the world at your fingertips? Not as easy. For the majority of us out there, I can say we are selfish little creatures looking out for number one...(insert hook technique.) The usual train of thought that goes through our heads when it comes to evaluating a relationship is something of "Will they hold me back?" "Will I find someone better?" "Is this love???" Oh, the amount of uncertainty that clouds our brains is literally mind-boggling. This is probably why the number of dysfunctional, off and on, kinda-sorta-maybe relationships in this decade is so high. To commit to another person when you can barely commit to yourself seems almost impossible. A harsh realization for many (sometimes I can't even fathom it), but when you read in between the lines of false hope, you realize you're not worth it to the other person. If someones says they can't be with you right now but perhaps later in life things will somehow work out, it's because they're not willing to accommodate you now.

We live in the here are now. If it isn't working now, is it really going to work in the future? Even if you think it will, you can't waste your time torturing yourself about all the what-if situations that could arise. It's all easier said than done, but as hard as it is, you need to leave it alone and try your best to forget it and get back out there. At this very moment I'm reminding myself, I'm in New York City. The possibilities in this world of dating and relationships is endless. And chances are there is someone who thinks you're worth it not one day, but right now. It takes a bit of eye-opening and welcoming to all the opportunities to understand that it's not the value others place on us that counts, it's the value we place on ourselves.

A little inner thought.

Some things just take getting used to. It's been a bittersweet three weeks in New York City. I've been meaning to post sooner, but I've been a bit lost in transition with this move. I can't think of a better place to regain my perspective. However being alone in such a city puts you in your place in every way, and also halts or allows one to find an identity within its giant anonymity. Anyone who has been to NYC knows the impact it can have, but living here and spending solo time with nothing but the city and your thoughts is bound to lead to some realizations, even to yours truly, as if I already don't think enough, right?

Add rainy weather and grey skies the city has been experiencing, and you've got yourself the perfect scene for the emo kind of days I have been having. Although I can't blame my thoughts on the frumpy Manhattan weather -- it has been beautiful and sunny (and disgustingly humid) the past couple days and still my brain was thinking faster than it normally does. Just what is all my perspective being gained in, you ask? I'm figuring that out. Though, it's something along the lines of "finding myself" (Always a good one and exceedingly relevant no matter how utterly cliched).

As we grow older, our mindset changes from not just seeking out a good time, but a good opportunity as well. The busiest parties, events, shindigs and what-have-you in New York are the ones where attendees know the mingling crowd will be one of a professional standard. I'm talking about the people in this city who are creating opportunities by pursuing their dreams, and thus creating opportunities for others as well. It's not about where but who that makes a quality affair now. And finding the right like-minded, genuine "who" is hard to come by.

And so, with all my trials and tribulations when it comes to finding myself, I'm situated on my rooftop here in the Lower East Side where I'm living and will attempt to see everything I've been through with fresh eyes. I must remind myself that I wanted this. And now I have this amazing opportunity in one of the greatest cities, ever. As long as I move forward and find what I'm looking for, I'll be satisfied. After all we are nothing if not for progress.